below is a terribly long rant so i really wouldn't reccommend anyone to read it.
i feel like crap. i can't explain why, but yeah, i feel as though i fell in some really deep puddle of dog shite and couldn't swim out, and there're no vines to grab onto to save myself...and i'm slowly drowning drowning drowning. was feeling like that since last night but i thought a night's sleep would've helped forget my troubles.
guess i was wrong.
i think this fyp's killing me man. if there ever were a reason for me to go silly and go into a depression, this would probably be it. it feels almost like a relationship i'm having with this hot babe who's giving me mixed emotions. one minute she's really nice to me and cooee and hugs and kisses and all and the next she tells me we really can't work out, and shuns me like the plague. how am i supposed to think straight? dog shite. i feel lost. i wish i had more direction doing this all alone. and yet deep inside i know this hot babe and i, we can't work out, she's right you know, and she was the one who first mentioned so. things really won't work out this way, not for now at least. this style might've worked out for anyone else, but no-sireee-bob not her. its wrong for me to treat her like that. maybe she just thinks she's but a toy to me. she must have noticed my dumb flaws for all that she's known me. maybe i should've been nice and showed more interest in her from the start. i did. i really was genuinely interested some time ago. i even wrote it down in my interim report. and last night i was reading it over and over again and the memories of what i've done came flooding in. i now wish i had worked harder and made more progress then. it wasn't my fault that i didn't do much to improve our relationship. back then she had someone else to care for her and take up all her attention while all i could do was look on and just be that fly on the wall trying not to be in the picture, or be there when (and only if) she needed me. alot of times i just looked on jealously as that other guy bothered about her and i'd be seeing how lousy he treats her and yet she'd still lap it all in and then i'd vow to treat her better when my turn came and hope she'd behave the same unto me. when i finally took over, she was a wreck. i dunno, maybe she was venting her frustations on me, maybe she was still rebounding, but what-the-hey i had to get her back on her feet somehow, i guess i cared too much for my own good. it all happened so suddenly like a flash, then again maybe we rushed into things too fast, whatever we did we tried not to let it bother us, and yet deep down we knew it was wrong wrong wrong. the previous guy really didn't do a good job with her and now here i found myself trying to pick up those pieces for her and help her through. so she'd be cold hot cold hot cold hot...yet in the back of my mind i dun think she's really let go of him yet, afterall he did meld her into what she's become, and thats why she treats me this way. sometimes hot, sometimes cold, so nonchalent and bo chup one moment, then so receptive to my initiations the next. alot of what i've written in the interim are good shit mind you, in fact i'll use most of it in my final report (do i have a choice?). maybe if i had signalled my intentions that i was really interested in her and tried to wrestle her and confuse her to make her choose between the both of us, maybe things might have been different. maybe i really should've spent more time with her when i had the chance.
no time for regrets now. what's done cannot be undone. i can't turn back the clock. all i can do is to keep on slogging away like a horse, and hope that things might one day turn out better than i'd expect. i haven't seen the hot babe for two whole days having been spending time in my room and com lab working on my report. i know things might be weird between us and for days to come maybe even awkward. i dunno, i'm just like that i guess, some reclusive freak. but hopefully she won't give up on me, because i definitely can't give up on her. i know she still likes me alot, maybe even alot alot alot in fact. i can see it from her normal behaviour, eric the labtech can see it, yuan chuan the masters student can see it, i just hope the fire in us both can continue to burn brightly. and then maybe someday, one day, things will all work out just fine and we both will be able to make amends to each other and share our love...
in fact the song "time of my life" by macy gray is a reflection of my current sentiments for you, hot babe. go take a listen.